


love me in your dreams

by thelesterhowells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of past homophobia, curse, mentions of magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 14:12:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17122868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelesterhowells/pseuds/thelesterhowells
Summary: "Love.A word that Dan thought about way too often. Pretty much every night.A word that other people were allowed to feel freely and limitless.A word that was just a word to Dan, but never more.Never an emotion."But how can Dan ever explain that he isn't allowed to love?





	love me in your dreams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [writtennotsung](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtennotsung/gifts).



> dear aly,  
> i loved all of your prompts so much that i had a hard time to decide, but this one literally bewitched me. i hope you have as much fun reading it as i had writing it.  
> and i hope this comes close to the story you had in mind. :)  
> happy holidays <3
> 
> prompt: An au in which Dan is cursed and isn't allowed to fall in love, but he loves Phil. As a result, he's forced to live in Phil's dreams at night, the only space he's allowed to say anything he wants to with no real life consequence. Phil, unaware, wonders why he keeps having dreams involving his friend that feel far too real.
> 
>    
> biggest thank you to my absolutely wonderful beta [@insectbah](https://insectbah.tumblr.com/) i would've been completely lost without you! <3  
> and to my lovely friend [@phanbliss](http://phanbliss.tumblr.com/) who helped me a lot with this fic! <3

**_A long time ago somewhere in England_ **

_If somebody entered the room right in this moment the atmosphere would be unbearably broken._  
  
_The sight of the man sitting on the edge of the bed drenched with rain from head to toe with a hunched back would be too heartbreaking to stay in the room._  
  
_If somebody entered the room right now and looked at James Howell sitting there staring into a void with glossy eyes they would feel the hurt sweeping through James' body. They would see his broken heart mirrored in his troubled eyes._  
  
_It's dark outside. The howling of the wind is the only noise that can overpower the rain loudly hitting the windows._  
  
_The only light source is the candles that are lit on the windowsills and all around the room._  
  
_James is staring right into the flame of one of the candles when he straightens his back suddenly. The emotions in his eyes change from hurt to something harsh, angry and determined._  
  
_He stands up, his arms stretched out on both sides of this body. He opens up his palms that were balled into fists just seconds ago._  
  
_The candle lights begin to flutter; the windows start to vibrate as if a wind gust rushed through the room._  
  
_James looks up while the howling of the wind and the storm outside become excruciatingly loud._  
  
_"Nobody should ever feel the heartbreak and the pain that I have suffered. Not one of my offspring should ever get their heart ripped out and shattered into a million pieces. The only source for my pain was love."_  
  
_His voice gets louder with every word that leaves his mouth._  
_  
_ "Not one of this family’s offspring will ever be able to fall in love, irrespective of who they want to love or who falls in love with them. No offspring of this family will ever endure the sufferings I did. And if they dare to fall in love, if it happens for some god-forsaken reason, this curse shall spread and both of them will be unable to love. Ever."

_  
_ _A lightning bolt as loud as an explosion hits the area right in front of the window. The candles go out. And everything is doused in silence._

 

_\---_

“Dan?” Phil shouted from downstairs.

“Yeah?”

“Which dips do you want?”

Dan rolled his eyes because Phil definitely knew the answer, but he still hoped every time that Dan would change his mind.

“Aaaaaaall the dips,” Dan shouted back with a small hint of laughter in his voice while he made his way down the stairs.

“But you’re going-”

“-to answer the door. Yes, Phil, I know.” Dan tried to keep a straight face, but after a few seconds he started grinning. This felt nice. Knowing each other as well as they did just felt nice and secure.

Phil was currently placing the order on this laptop when he looked up, “I still can’t believe that we’re breaking our own tradition, Dan. This feels awful. What if this attracts bad luck? We’re horrible people. “The Walking Dead” will never forgive us for not celebrating with burgers.”

“I think they will be fine, Phil. As long as we actually watch the thing.”

Dan laughed at Phil’s genuine worry that something bad could happen because they were breaking with traditions that they made up themselves. “We can totally order burgers again for the next season premiere we watch. I promise...ooor maybe Domino’s?”

“Dan!” And with that Dan got lightly punched on the shoulder and broke into a laughing fit because of the ridiculousness of the situation.

They played Mario Kart to pass the time until their food arrives. The doorbell rung right in time for Phil to shut off the Nintendo Switch to cover up that he lost again and open up Netflix right before Dan gets back. Dan knew because that’s what he did every time he lost and saw a chance to cover it up, so Dan just shook his head a little but never brought it up.

Instead he sat down satisfied with his nine different dips and told Phil to start the episode. After finishing, discussing and tweeting about it they continued with their “The Office” rerun. Halfway through the second episode for tonight Dan felt how Phil’s head slowly droped onto his shoulder and little snores escaped his mouth. Dan decided to let him sleep until the end of the episode before waking him up. Just so he could get some rest. Not because he enjoyed the closeness. Definitely not because of that.

“Hey Phil,” he tried.

“Phil. Hey, wake up,” he tried again, wiggled gently with his shoulder and watched as Phil’s head wobbled back and forth.

“Hm?”

“Come on. Up. You fell asleep and you are definitely too old to sleep on the couch.”

“Oh. Really?” Phil looked around confused still groggy from sleep. Dan could literally see Phil questioning his whole existence.

“God, I’m so tired...you know those super vivid dreams that I’ve had for years now?” Phil began and Dan stiffened slightly, but was sure that Phil didn’t notice.

“They’ve gotten so much more intense in the last few months. I wake up and I’m so sure that they really happened, you know? It’s super weird. And I seem to not exactly get any rest…”

“Yeah, you never told me what they are about.” He knew it was risky, he was absolutely aware of it, but he did it anyway. Maybe he actually wanted an answer. Maybe it was his self destructive side.

“I...yeah. Uhm...I can’t _really_ remember them. I just - I know in my dreams that I’m dreaming and it just feels feels very real, but I - I don’t remember details. Anyways I should probably head to bed. Maybe I can catch some proper sleep today, huh. You should go and sleep too, you night owl,” Phil tried to say nonchalantly, but failed miserably.

“Good night, Dan,” he said before leaving the living room.

“Sleep tight, Phil,” Dan called after him.

As Dan lay in bed he stayed awake for a long time and thought about love.

_Love._

A word that Dan thought about way too often. Pretty much every night.

A word that other people were allowed to feel freely and limitless.

A word that was _just_ a word to Dan, but never more.

Never an emotion.

This curse that his family suffered from generation after generation prevented Dan from having crushes or his first love and he felt robbed; robbed from experiences he never had and never will.

Dan was still not used to friends and family members on his mum’s side asking about his love life because even now in his 20s it was still hard to answer. How long could you find an excuse for not finding love if it was actually something you were longing for? How long could you make jokes about being unsocial before it gets weird and not believable? How long could you stop yourself from screaming in their faces that you literally couldn’t fall in love because you were cursed?

All these thoughts and questions haunted him night after night after night.

 

\---

Dan woke up because the morning sun warmed up his room, not to mention Phil next to him hugging him tightly around the waist. He pushed his blanket down to their ankles and exposed their bare chests to warmth of the sunlight streaming in. He wiggled out of Phil’s embrace, turned around and decided to just look for a while. Phil was still fast asleep and the sun painted his pale skin with a golden shimmer that made him look like a magical dream.

Dan tried to count the freckles that were on display, but gave up fairly quickly. Instead he began to connect the freckles in some type of constellation with a touch that was as light as a feather.

Dan wanted to let him sleep for a little while longer since even London hadn’t fully woken up yet. The cars outside drove by sporadically. The birds outside had begun to chirp just mere minutes ago, finally ending their night’s rest. But Phil started to squirm under his fingers and opened his eyes slowly.

“G’morning,” he mumbled and pulled Dan close to his chest, “I think we should stay in bed today.”

Dan laughed, “No, I think we should at least go out on the balcony and cuddle on the sun loungers. Maybe eat before that. Maybe drink a coffee to wake up.”

“I don’t wanna wake up. I wanna stay sleepy like this. Sleepy and cuddled up and warm.”

Dan thought about arguing again, but honestly he didn’t care where they lay around as long as they didn’t do much today. He still got up after a few minutes to go to the bathroom and make coffee and breakfast for them.

When he got back with two bowls of cereal and two steaming hot coffees, Phil was nowhere to be seen. He found a little note on the bed saying _“Find me on the balcony, my love.”_ And Dan would probably have pretended that he hates how cheesy this was if Phil had been with him, but instead he just beamed with happiness and made his way out to the balcony.

Phil was already laying on one of the big sun loungers having left space right beside him for Dan to join him and that’s exactly what he did. They ate their food and drank their coffees while letting the sun warm up their skin.

They didn’t get up after that and just cuddled and kissed lazily. Phil had brought his current book out with him so he read to Dan for a while. Neither of them had their phone with them. Today was just for the two of them, no outside world needed or wanted.

“Hey.” Dan waited until Phil has positioned himself right in front of him and then kissed him again. Softly and slowly until Phil rolled himself gently on top of him and the kiss got heated.

“I love you,” Dan mumbled after a while against Phil’s lips.

“I love you, too,” Phil mumbled back.

Dan opened his eyes and looked to the side and he knew that he would be alone in his bed, but he turned his head anyways. It was the same procedure after every dream, but the disappointment that filled his heart never decreases. The hope that he carefully built up every single time during a dream never stayed. After he woke up, he knew that the feelings didn’t exist in his awake world.

 

\---

_One week later_  

Dan forced himself to wake up early as he really needed to finish editing a video. Phil was still asleep when he snuck down the stairs and started working in the living room. Dan was absolutely convinced that Phil woke up to the smells he loved because as soon as Dan made himself a coffee, he could hear Phil’s footsteps.

And then he was standing right behind Dan with messy hair and glasses demanding cereal and breakfast anime before he’d let Dan go back to editing.

“I’m gonna go and film a video, yeah?” Phil said after finishing this morning’s episode of “Free!”.

Dan had his laptop already back on his lap and was focusing on the video again so he just nodded and didn’t even register Phil leaving the room.

It was hours of frustrating editing later when Phil emerged back in his sight. Dan looked up and saw that Phil had a cup of tea in one head and a plate full of fruits in the other. He knew that Dan was struggling with this video and that he probably hadn’t left this spot since he had gone upstairs. He was always thoughtful like this.

“Hey, there. How is it going?” Phil asked while putting the snacks down. “I thought you could use a break. Even brought you healthy stuff. You said you needed to eat more of that again. You probably already have a headache, Dan. You can finish that tomorrow.”

_I love him,_ shot through Dan’s brain and he stiffened up. This thought doesn’t belong here in his real life. Thoughts like this were reserved for his dream world where he was allowed to be normal and in love. It was reserved for a world where he was actually allowed to think these things. How could his brain even produce this thought if it wasn’t something he could actually feel? How could he even think that? He was so occupied with his thoughts and with the confusion that was completely overtaking any productive thought that he didn’t even realize that he stayed silent for quite some time.

“Dan? Are you ok?” Phil seemed worried all of sudden because that’s how Phil is. He brings Dan food when he knows that he didn’t eat much, he goes out and buys him medicine if Dan can’t get up to do it himself, and he’ll worry over Dan when he seems upset or sad.

_That’s just how Phil is. It’s nothing special,_ Dan told himself over and over again.

“Yeah. Yes. Sure. I....I just- I can’t get this video how I want it to be and it’s annoying.”

“Maybe you should take a break, huh? Take a nap even? You don’t need to finish this today, Dan. Don’t pressure yourself so much.” Phil put his hand on Dan’s shoulder and Dan was immediately on the brink of leaning back a bit and avoiding Phil’s touch. The warmth of his hand and the genuine worry about Dan’s well-being confused him even more and he really needed to get out of Phil’s range. But he caught himself before he could make things weird between them; there was no need to worry Phil even more.

“Yeah, I think - I think I’ll do that. Take a shower or a nap.” And with that he got up to go to his room.

He actually thought about taking a nap, he even lay down, but his brain was working on overdrive and he just couldn’t get it to shut up. He thought about talking to somebody, but he was afraid of Phil overhearing him and what would he even say when he couldn’t sort out these thoughts for himself.

Dan grabbed his phone anyway, pulling up his contacts right as he got a message from Phil.

**From Phil:** **  
** Going out to get groceries. Don’t worry if I’m not at home when you come downstairs. :)

As soon as he heard the front door clicking shut he took the chance to make a call.

“Hello, my dear,” his nan said in the most cheerful voice, “It’s been a long time since I heard your voice.”

“I know, nan, sorry. How are you?”

“I’m great. Got my hair done today and ate lunch with my friends. How have you been?”

“Wow, nan, you are so busy. How would I ever keep up with your crazy lifestyle?” Dan loved how much of a social life his nan had. She was always happy when surrounded by a lot of people. Dan used to visit her quite often and talk to her about anything and everything. He missed doing that a lot and made a mental note right now to call her more often.

“Says you, my boy? You just did a whole world tour!” she said with a fake outrage.

“Oh yeah that’s true. It was exhausting though. _You_ would’ve loved all of it, you rockstar.”

His grandma laughed at that and it didn’t matter what he had accomplished in life, making his nan laugh was still in his top five.

“I would have, wouldn’t I?” There was a few seconds of silence before his grandma spoke up again, “Are you alright, my love? Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened. Not really.”

“But?” his grandma prompted.

“Nan, you know Phil, right?”

His nan chuckled, “Of course I know Phil, Dan. A lovely boy.”

“Yeah? You think so?” Dan _knew_ that his family liked Phil a lot, especially his grandma, but he really needed to _hear_ it right now.

“Sure I do. Why are you asking this, my dear? Don’t you think he is lovely?” Her confusion was very clear audible in her voice and Dan knew that he somehow had to approach this topic differently, but he wasn’t even totally sure what else he wanted to hear from her.

“No, no. I do. I do think he is lovely. I just...I think I’m confused about what we have. I mean - I don’t know how I feel.”

“What changed? Why are you questioning those things suddenly?”

“He brought me tea and fruits while I was working,” Dan said without missing a beat to which his grandma responded with a chuckle again.

“Was it the first time he did that or why did it erupt such a storm in you?”

“No, nan. He does it all the time. He always brings me tea and snacks while I’m working or makes me food when I forget to eat. It’s just...I don’t know,” he sounded frustrated because nothing of this made any sense. He made no sense. His thoughts and feelings made no sense at all.

“Do you love him, my dear?”

He expected this question, but it still made him freeze for a second. To hear the word “love” as a feeling he could have was weird and unusual.

“I - I don’t know. I never thought about that before. We never...like we’ve never talked about that or anything.” It was the best answer he could possibly give because he truly didn’t know, but he knew that he _couldn’t_ actually feel that way.

“You know, my dear, I never questioned what you two had. It always seemed lovely and trusting between you. I saw how good he was to you and how close you boys became. I thought that you might talk about it with me at some point, but you never did. I always assumed that you thought I knew that you loved each other.”

There was a stretch of silence. Maybe she was expecting Dan to say something, but he was too overwhelmed to form a proper sentence.  

“Dan, you don’t have to say the words ‘I love you’ to love somebody. You don’t even have to think them. It’s obvious in the way he cares for you and you care for him. It’s obvious in the way you called his mum to get that chicken soup recipe when he was sick and in the way he brings you tea and fruits while you’re working. It’s obvious because you can’t be separate for more than a few days without calling each other and you went on a world tour without ever getting sick of each other. You know everything about each other and you visit his family before Christmas. You even get joint presents from family members. There is nothing _more_ than what you have, Dan. You have been in love with each other for the past years without even noticing, my dear.”

He listened to her carefully and it all made sense. Her words were totally understandable, but it just _couldn’t_ be. There was no way he was _in love._ His heart, his brain were not able to do that.

“I don’t know what to say, nan,” he said slowly and quietly.

“I talked for a long while, didn’t I?” she joked. “You don’t have to say anything. Just think about it. Sleep a few nights over this, my dear. We can talk about this when you sort out your brain, shall we?”

“I - Yeah. That’s a good idea.”

“Alright, my dear boy. Call me if you want to talk about this again or call me just because.”

“I will do that. I promise. And nan? Thank you.”

“Of course, my dear. Love you,” she said in the incredibly gentle voice she always used when she knew he was upset about something.

“Love you back. Bye.”  

After he heard the click of the phone call being ended he went straight back to bed trying to make any sense out of this mess. However, he couldn’t fall asleep no matter how hard he tried. In the end he scrolled mindlessly through tumblr without really registering what he was seeing and started a movie after he actually reached the end of his dashboard.

Dan heard Phil returning from the shops, but he decided to stay in his room and to not confuse Phil even more. When Phil quietly knocked on the door and poked his head in the room, Dan pretended to sleep and occupied his brain with even more social media scrolling.

It was already quite late when he heard Phil go up to his room and Dan just knew that he couldn’t sleep either. That he probably thought Dan was spiraling or that he was having one of his insanely bad days. And Dan felt kinda bad for making him worry, but he truly needed this mope around alone time.

 

\---

Dan woke up the next morning with an insanely foggy and confused brain. Last night’s dream was a complete mess that he couldn't even fully remember. This had never happened before. All his dreams about  Phil were always as vivid and crystal clear as they could be.

Dan pinched his eyes together and tried to make pictures appear in his brain.

He could see Phil walking down an aisle before everything turned black again.

Kath and his own mum crying while the two of them said their vows. Darkness.

A first dance to “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran. Darkness.

Drinking wine together and being incredibly giggly and happy. Darkness.

Kissing each other while their family and friends cheered and applauded. Darkness.

A flight to Japan and arriving at a hotel completely drunk of love. Everything after this came back to him in a big chunk. Dan could _feel_ how Phil’s fingers slowly wandered down his body, how he kissed Dan so lovingly and tenderly that Dan got goosebumps all over his body. It felt like Dan was _there_ and Phil was actually undressing him between every kiss, pinning him down under him. Dan’s body repeated the reactions of dream-Dan, making him short of breath, feeling hard and aroused.

The memories of coming completely undone under Phil, biting him in the shoulder, clutching the blanket he was laying on were so vivid that Dan needed to open his eyes and end this whole “trying to remember my dream” thing.

He immediately got up and rushed to the bathroom, taking a cold shower and trying to calm down. He couldn't make sense of the intensity of the parts he could remember, but it was the first time that this feeling of warmth and genuine happiness hadn’t left his heart directly after waking up. It was way more intense instead, and that scared him.

Everything he knew in his life was turned around so much he was basically hanging upside-down. The way he lived his life up until now felt like a lie suddenly because... _could_ he fall in love?

When Dan arrived at the kitchen Phil was already there like always, but he wasn’t his bubbly self today. He looked troubled and somewhat upset.

“Hey, Dan,” his voice was quiet and raspy.

“Hey.” This felt weird. This situation was weird. Dan felt weird. Everything was fucking weird.

“Dan, I…” Phil began and looked down at his feet, leaning against the kitchen counter. Dan remained silent because truth be told he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what Phil had to say.

“You know how I told you about these dreams I had? And you - well, you pointed out that I never told you what they were about, yeah?” Phil looked up and his eyes showed how incredibly tired he was.

He was waiting for an answer, but Dan didn't trust his voice right now. He didn't trust his voice to be steady and his tears not to fall. So he nodded in response.

“The dreams they were - they were about you. They - uhm, they were not really _about_ you more like _with_ you. Like a dream universe of our reality? I don’t know. But we seemed happy and...in love?” His voice was hesitant and unsure like he was asking Dan to confirm what he was saying.

And Dan remained silent once again. Because how do you explain to your best friend that you _can’t_ be in love in the real world because your family was cursed by your ancestor? How can you explain that you happened to live in his dreams somehow without even understanding why? How can you explain that you enjoyed these dreams so much that you just didn’t say anything; just didn’t investigate anything? How can you explain that you are scared that what you’re feeling could be love because it would only hurt him? So he remained silent. And Phil continued.

“And I’ve been thinking - for a while now - about how it would be if we...tried that. Here. In real life. And I - I don’t know if you even would want to or if you feel the same or if I’m ruining our friendship right now. But I _needed_ to say something, Dan. It has completely taken over my brain and all my thoughts and I - I can’t stop thinking about it. Dan please answ-”

Dan looked Phil straight in the eyes for a split second before interrupting him. “I - I need to go. I’m sorry. I - I have no fucking idea. I’m so sorry.”

He was immensely glad that he had actually changed out of his pj’s before talking to Phil as he now rushed out of the kitchen, took his keys and went out of the door.

The voice of Phil calling after him was very clearly audible as he rushed down the stairs, but he didn’t stop, didn't look back. He needed to get out of there, get some fresh air. But he knew that Phil’s troubled and worried voice would haunt him for a while.

 

\---

Dan had no idea how he ended up here. He just wanted some fresh air to clear his mind. He needed to think about the things happening in his life, his brain...his heart.

While wandering through the streets of London, he somehow ended up at the train station and purchased a ticket to Wokingham in a matter of seconds. Before he was even aware what he was doing, he was already on a train on the way to his hometown.

The world outside flashed by and Dan had only one thing in his mind: he needed answers. With this thought in mind, the 24 minutes from Paddington Station to Reading passed by in what felt like a blink of an eye.

Dan hurried through the station in the hopes to avoid anybody he knows from the past and got on his connecting train to Wokingham. He didn’t even bother to sit for the 8 minute long ride, ready to bolt out of the train once it stopped.

He had a very specific destination. The graveyard.

The grave he was looking for was not unknown to him as he visited it a few times with his grandma on his father’s side. He knew exactly where to go.

Dan touched the worn down tombstone and took a deep breath.

“I...I have no idea what I’m doing here. I just- I mean you can’t really answer my questions, right?” He laughed dryly, without any humour.

“Look, I’m lost, ok? I don’t understand. You literally cursed the whole family. I _can’t_ be in love, but I think what I’m feeling _is_ love _._ Do you understand that?” He sounded desperate and he hoped that nobody hears or sees him like that.

Dan was wandering around the gravestone by now, trying to keep his voice down, but the frustration was so clear and so loud in his voice that he felt like even the people in London could still hear him.

“I - I don’t know...can you give me a sign or something? Fuck, I don’t even believe in this shit. But I need _something,_ ok? _Anything_ really. Just...tell me if the curse is lifted. Tell me if I’m free. Am I free to love?”

The words simply bubbled out of him like a fountain, but nothing happened.

_Obviously nothing is going to happen_ , Dan thought the whole time. He didn’t even believe in ghosts or spirits or lost souls so what was he even doing here? But then again his whole family was _cursed_ so he had to believe in _something,_ hadn’t he?

Dan laughed again. It sounded hysterical in his ears.

“You can’t really answer me, can you? Fuck, why did I even come here?” And with that he turned around and rushed back to the train station. He wanted to leave this place. This place made him sad. This place made so many family members sad. His hometown carried way too many bad memories for the Howells. Dan just wanted to go back home. Home to Phil.

Once he was on the train back to London, he looked at his phone for the first time in hours and saw that he had four messages and three missed calls.

**From Phil:** **  
**Dan?  
  
**From Phil:**  
Where are you?

**From Phil:** **  
** Dan, honestly where the hell are you?

**From Nan:** **  
** Hello, my dear. I thought I saw you running to the graveyard today. But you would visit your nana if you were in Wokingham, right? Must be a different good looking man running around in Wokingham then. I’m thinking about you after our chat the other day. Remember to call me. Love, Nana.

He decided to answer one of the messages for the time being.

**To Phil:**

on my way back to you 

When he finally gets home, Phil is already waiting in the hallway. He doesn’t say anything, just wraps his long arms around Dan, keeps him close to his body and lets the worry wash away.

“I’m sorry, Phil.” Dan can feel him nodding.

“I’m just - I’m so tired. Can we maybe talk tomorrow?” Dan asks hesitantly because he can’t form a functioning sentence right now and he knows a conversation with Phil about them would definitely end in another disaster tonight.

“Of course,” Phil says and slowly lets go of him, “Yeah, let’s talk tomorrow.”

Dan misses the warmth of Phil’s arms around him right away, but makes his way up to his bedroom anyways.

“Good night, Phil.”

“Sleep tight, Dan.”

 

\---

Dan was absolutely aware that he was dreaming, but he wasn’t expecting the scene that was happening in front of his eyes. He was fully prepared for a dream about Phil like always, but this was different:

_“You must know that I don’t want to do this.”_

_James looked up. “And yet you’re doing it,” he was absolutely beside himself, “You can’t just leave me. Not after everything we’ve been through. You can’t just go. That’s not right.” He was crying, he was hysterical, he was sad, he was heartbroken._

_“You know that I have to do it. We can’t keep doing this. It’s not good for us.”_

_“We had plans! We wanted to run away from here. Why are you destroying our dreams? Don’t you love me anymore?” He was standing in front of the bed. The rain outside was growing louder with every second._

_“Of course I still love you. I will always love you, but my parents-”_

_“Yes, of course! Your parents!” James interrupted, “It’s always about your parents. Can’t tarnish the most important names of them all, huh?_ Lester. _The family of the most victorious. The Lester family can’t have a scandal. Their son in love with a man. An affront to the family’s honour,” James just spat out those words. They were covered in disgust and disappointment._

_“They would kill us, James! We wouldn’t survive! We couldn’t survive, you know that. We always knew about our fate. We knew that we would have to marry women and please our families.”_

_“I don’t believe in fate. You are a miserable coward, Michael. I’d rather be dead than marry somebody that I don’t love,” James looked him straight into the eyes._

_“Don’t ever say that, James. Don’t you ever dare to ascend from earth without me. Even if we can’t be together in the present, we will in the afterlife.” Michael took a step forward and held his hands out, wanting to hold James’, but James stepped back._

_“There is no afterlife and if there were one we would end up in purgatory. The pain and sorrow you caused me was the worst I had to endure in all my life. I just wish I would’ve never fallen in love with you.” With these last words James turned his back to Michael._

_“Please don’t say that. Please. Don’t.” Michael was now crying uncontrollably._

_“Leave, Michael. Go to your family and to your soon to be wife. Go and be happy.”_

_“I will always love you, James, ‘til death do us apart.” Michael left as a broken man._

_“I will always love you, Michael, ‘til death do us apart.” James answered as a broken man._

 

Dan woke up feeling completely confused. His family never told him the whole story of the ancestor that decided to curse the family. The only thing they always knew for certain was that he did it because of heartbreak. Dan wasn’t even sure if his family was aware of this absolutely tragic story.

Not only was his ancestor in a forbidden relationship with a man, but with a Lester? His thoughts rushed through his brain with such an intensity that he could already feel his temples throb.

It _must_ be a different Lester. For sure. It couldn’t be one of Phil’s ancestor that was just too much of a coincidence. But then again his name was Michael and he could definitely make out the resemblance between the Lesters he knew and the one in his dream.

Dan got up and made his way to the kitchen in the hopes to find Phil there, the worry to talk to him fully erased all of a sudden. He needed to find some kind of answers and he needed them now. Phil loved to tell stories about his family so maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to get him to talk.

And thankfully Phil was preparing coffee and two bowls of cereal when Dan walked in. Dan’s heart was beating so fast and loud, he was sure Phil must hear it.  

“Good morning, sleepy head,” Phil turned around to look at him with a smile plastered on his face. “I was waiting for you. We have two episodes of “Free!” left.”

This was not the reaction he expected to get from Phil. He thought that he needed to convince him to postpone the continuation of their conversation even more, but Phil seemed as chipper as ever and Dan couldn’t quite pinpoint if it was genuine.  

“Yeah, uh, good morning,” Dan said while approaching the kitchen surface, taking both of the bowls and trying to smile.

When they sat down in the living room Dan started to speak before Phil could even switch on the TV.

“So your middle name. Michael.”

Phil looked at him slightly confused but with a hint of amusement, “Yeah, what about it?”

“Is it like...a tradition? Are you named after someone?” Dan tried to keep his voice nonchalant, but he could very clearly hear that he was failing.

“Where does this sudden interest in my name come from?” Phil chuckled a bit, but the confusion was still written all over his face.

Dan bumped his shoulder against Phil’s and grinned slightly, “You know that I’m Phil trash number one. I need to know everything.”  

“Yeah, alright, alright,” Phil laughed about it and Dan knew that he had won, even if the atmosphere between them seemed just the tiniest bit weird.

It was obvious that it was not easy for Phil to talk about this topic. He was quiet for a while before he started to speak. “Yeah, it’s a family name. It started many, many years ago and it was always the middle name of the first born son. But you know my family; they believe in _stuff._ They thought the name came with a horrible fate so they decided to give Martyn just one name.”

Dan interrupted him, “Ok, but why did they give you that name if it has bad luck?”

“Well, my grandma. The psychic one? She told my parents that their second child would definitely be a boy again and that this time they had to give him the traditional second name. And they did. I mean I’m clumsy and awkward, but nothing really bad has happened to me so far so I dunno,” Phil laughed dryly.

“It’s a tragic backstory though. The original Michael was madly in love with another man. Apparently they tried to make it work somehow, kept it a secret, but it was so long ago, the world was still so different. There was just no way. My family was kind of...I don’t know...celebrated and important back then. They would’ve kept them apart come what may. So Michael left him and both of them never recovered from it apparently.

“Wow...that’s horrible,” Dan felt absolutely overwhelmed. So the Michael _was_ the ancestor of Phil after all. He couldn’t believe this coincidence because it was way too surreal.

“Do - do you know what happened to the other man?” Dan asked hesitantly; he needed to know if Phil had any idea who he was.

“Well, he married too. Unwillingly. Apparently years later my family heard that the guy had cursed his family? I don’t know if that’s true though. They say that he was so heartbroken that he didn’t want any of his offspring to love which...sounds incredibly cruel to me. But he and Michael never saw each other again. Rumours say that they died just a few days apart from each other.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty cruel. Why would you wish somebody to never experience love, huh?” Dan said quietly, but Phil seemed to hear him as he nodded along and not suspecting the trouble Dan was feeling inside of him. “Uhm, does your family know who the guy was?”

“Oh, no. My grandma always told me that Michael never stopped loving him, never stopped protecting him. Even after it came out he never ever said who he was.”

They were both quiet for a while before Dan started to speak, “Phil, about yesterday -”

Before he could say more than that Phil interrupted hin, “No, Dan, stop. Honestly just forget it. Let’s just pretend yesterday never happened, ok? I just - I don’t want to lose you or ruin our friendship and if this is too weird for you or you don’t feel that way -”

“Phil, wait. Stop.” Phil looked up, confusion very clearly disturbing the features of his face. “Listen, Phil. Uhm, you know the guy your ancestor loved so much?” Phil nodded. “His name was James. James Howell.” Phil’s eyes widened and the pure shock that he was feeling was made him look like deer caught in the headlights.

“What? How? I don’t - ?”

“Yeah, I know it’s absolutely unbelievable. I - well, my family never knew the whole story. It seems that James protected Michael exactly the same way. I would’ve never thought that it was this tragic backstory. To be honest I always thought - I mean I just assumed that it was just a petty move because he couldn’t get that one girl or something…”

The moment he said it out loud and knowing the actual truth he felt extremely bad, but it was true. He always thought about it as this barely significant incident and just assumed that his ancestor cursed his offspring in an act of unintentional malice. Dan simply categorized him as a drama queen, and to be fair judging Dan’s own personality it was not a far-fetched idea.

“And did he really…?”

“Uh, yeah, he did.”

“Oh.” Phil lifted his head and he looked absolutely crushed. The sadness in his eyes, the quietness of his voice broke Dan’s heart. As soon as Dan actually looked at Phil he realized his mistakes and he rushed to explain the situation further.

“No, Phil it’s not like that. I mean he did really curse his offspring that’s - that’s definitely true. A lot of the Howell family members suffered through unhappy marriages just because society expected them to get married, you know? But - uhm, it’s different for me...I went to Wokingham yesterday...to the graveyard because I - I was confused. Because I think the curse isn’t working anymore.”

“What do you mean, Dan?” Phil seemed to be completely at a loss, just how Dan felt.

“I mean that I - I think that I - fuck, I can’t say it,” Dan said, startling Phil with his sudden outburst, but it just earned him a little chuckle.

“It’s fine, Dan. You don’t have to say anything. I think - I think I understand what you’re telling me. And yeah, same.”

Phil scooted closer to Dan, put his fingers on Dan’s chin, and lifted his head. “It’s really fine.”

Dan looked Phil in the eyes and all of the sadness from moments before was replaced with happiness and disbelief. He could still see the hint of uncertainty and confusion, but he was sure that he mirrored these emotions perfectly in his own eyes.

He still had no idea how this was even possible, how he could actually _feel_ all of the things happening in his heart. But right in this second he didn’t really care. He put his arms around Phil instead, pulled him close and nuzzled his head right in the crook of Phil’s neck.

“Is it normal that it feels like being on a rollercoaster?” He pointed at his stomach and made circling movements.

Phil laughed, “Yeah, that’s quite normal.”

It was quiet between them for a while as they were laying on the couch, both of them just embracing and enjoying the hug, the warmth of the other one.

“Dan, do you know how -?”

Dan interrupted, “I have absolutely no idea, Phil. But I’m not complaining.”

“Yeah, I’m not complaining either obviously, but I’m just wondering…” Phil slowly stroked Dan’s curls.

“I know. I mean I’m wondering the same, but like I said I didn’t even know the whole story until I had a dream about the night where James created the curse.”

“Oh, right! I wanted to ask you how you even knew that your ancestor was the one involved with my ancestor. Wow, do you think James sent you that dream?” Phil sounded absolutely torn between being completely amazed and terrified.

“I guess so, yeah. I had the dream right after I visited the graveyard so it would make sense. Maybe if we ask nicely and politely, he’ll tell me what happened to the curse,” Dan laughed at the absurdity of this whole situation.  

Phil inhaled sharply and in utter disbelief, “Don’t make fun of that, Dan!”

“Ok, ok! I won’t,” Dan said laughing. “Your superstition is adorable.”

“Your face is adorable.” Phil exclaimed in an offended voice which earned him a snorted laugh from Dan.

“I mean...thank you. I guess.” And after a pause, “Hey, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we just stay like this and do nothing for the whole day? I need to, I don’t know, get used to allowing myself to feel this way.” It was weird, it was new and strange. Both of them definitely needed time to adjust and remind their brains that this was good and allowed. It would just take some time and Dan knew that.

“Of course we can.”

That’s what they actually did for the whole day. They watched movies and cuddled and ordered Domino’s.

Dan was convinced that he would dream about Phil again, given that their relationship changed in a matter of seconds, but instead of Phil it was James who was in his dream again.

It was an obscured scene: He stood in the middle of a cliff. Behind him was the most gorgeous waterfall Dan had ever seen. James was surrounded by flowers and sky high trees; birds and butterflies were flying around. It was warm and sunny, everything was dipped in a golden shimmer, and right there in the middle of this definitely otherworldly place was James...and another person.

Dan looked a little closely and recognized his own brown curls and incredibly bad posture and suddenly the perspective of the dream changed entirely. He wasn’t watching the scene anymore, he was part of it talking to James.

“I don’t understand. What is happening?”

James chuckled, “I thought we could talk about your life for a second after you visited me. You saw the memory, right?”

“Yeah, of course. I...uhm -”

“So, you are in love, my dear?”

“I guess so...do you know how the curse lifted? I mean did you... do something?” Dan really hoped that he could get some kind of answers. He knew he wouldn’t be able to relax and just enjoy this new thing he had with Phil if he didn’t know how it was even possible.

“I don’t know, I’m afraid. I never would have thought that two of our offspring would meet. It’s quite the coincidence, don’t you think?” Dan nodded. “You know, Dan, Michael was right. We actually found each other in the afterlife. I truly couldn’t believe it. And will you look at that? We didn’t end up in purgatory,” James laughed lightheartedly and Dan tried to follow suit, but he just sounded anxious.

“I can’t tell you much, Dan. The only thing I can tell you is that there is no curse holding you back anymore. I see a lot of myself in you and I know you are doubting and second guessing everything, but you can believe me that there is nothing to be afraid of. If Phil is just the tiniest bit like Michael you are in good hands. I promise,” he smiled so wide that Dan could clearly see the dimples on both sides of his face.

“Phil is...great. Incredible really. I’m not afraid of getting hurt by him or anything. I just -”

“You are afraid that the curse will come back? There is no way. The curse is broken and thanks to me, there is no magic in our family anymore. Creating a curse came with the punishment of being ripped of my magical powers. Your love is safe, Dan.”

Dan nodded because he had nothing else to say. This James almost seemed like a fake version. He was so much happier, so much lighter. This James right in front of him was not carrying any heartbreak, any hurt or pain. The only thing Dan could see was the deep love in James’ eyes.

“You know, Dan. I never thought that there would be a world where it was possible for two men to love each other freely and deeply without guilt or shame or punishments or hate. I am happy that you two are able to do that.”

“The world is not all the way there yet, but we’re getting there.” Dan smiled at James and James smiled back, came a step closer and hugged Dan tightly.

“Hey, James. Do I need to believe in the afterlife now?”

“You can believe in whatever you want, my dear. Good luck.” And with these words he turned around and walked up to a man leaning against a tree. Michael, Dan assumed. They laughed and hugged each other and while Dan was still grinning the dream dissolved in darkness.

When Dan woke up the next morning, he wasn’t alone. He turned around and looked at Phil and it felt like butterflies started a rave party in his stomach. A smile crept up his face and he truly couldn’t believe this was happening. Everything felt so fragile and new and strange, he didn’t even dare to touch Phil.

Soon enough he started to wake up and Dan’s heart started to race because of Phil’s adorable bed hair and his mole like stare.

“Hey, you.”

“G’ morning,” Phil mumbled and wiggled closer to Dan.

“Come on. Let’s get up and eat something,” Dan suggested.

“I don’t wanna wake up. I wanna stay sleepy like this. Sleepy and cuddled up and warm.”

So they stayed like that for a while in silence until Phil spoke up, “You know, I thought about it and I think it was fate.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I think you should shut up and kiss me.”

And Phil did and it erupted fireworks inside of Dan. He had never felt like that while kissing somebody. It had never felt like the best thing in the world. It had never felt like something he wanted to do forever. But right now, with Phil, it felt exactly like that. It was perfect in its imperfection. They smiled way too much and clinked their teeth together; they started to giggle and broke apart the kiss. But Dan loved it. Loved the taste of maple syrup, pancakes and coffee. Loved that they were sitting in bed and eating with no care in the world.

He leaned away just the tiniest bit. “I think I’m in love with you,” he said quietly against Phil’s lips.

Phil chuckled and gave Dan another kiss. “I think I’m in love with you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [come and say hi and maybe reblog on tumblr](https://thelesterhowells.tumblr.com/post/181463675322/love-me-in-your-dreams) :)


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